Attempting to recover my subsanity
Okay, So I don’t usually link to stuff and do excerpts, but I just stumbled on an article about Depression, and the theory that it’s not a seratonin-related thing at all, but an atrophy of braincells, and the “down” thing is simply a sideffect of the detoriation of the brain.
Well, that’s the lovely feeling that I have now, I think. Generalised anxiety, and stress. Talking it over made it seem all the more real, so writing it out might be an idea as well. Anxiety disorder. I don’t talk about it much, do I? Then again, I don’t talk much about what goes on in my head with anyone. Not even with my therapist.
Which isn’t that strange, I’m a product of the upbringing that anxiety is just “imagination” and “get a hold of yourself” is the only cure. That “depression” was something you caught like a yeast infection, from the bad music, bad friends, simply bad influences. That it would be cured with a change of environment. That if you just tried harder, it’d go away.
It took me a long time to get over that notion. I still haven’t. Not in my own head. It requires me to sit down and function rationally for me to realise that I can’t function rationally.
When I close my eyes I have absurd flashbacks from old computer roleplaying games. I don’t sleep well, because I feel a stress that I need to sleep soon. I don’t get things done, because the overwhelming need to do things is consuming my every moment, the effort of not running to the kitchen and beating the wall because it’s a good idea is overwhelming all kind of rationality in function that I could have.
So, how am I coping? Not well.
And what do I do about it? currently. Nothing. It’s the only thing I can do. I have a slight idea. I have a slight plan.
But I am afraid that if I flesh it out more, the guilt that I haven’t done it yet will be greater than the guilt I feel right now, and… The fear consumes my thinking.
Vicious circle.
Here, have some pills. They will shut off your brain.
Life is much easier without your brain.
Well, I had to take pics of my (well, mine and my brother’s) car today so it could be put up for sale. A shame, really as it was a lovely little wroomer, unfortunately, not a very practical car (*cough*). Still, it’s a darn pity I can’t blow around with it anymore. Not that I ever did it much in the first place, which is the reason that it’s getting sold off…..
Arf, they aren’t environmental, nor economical. But I have to say that it’s darn fun.
Fun fun. Seems that not all drier “updates” are … Updates.
Right clicked desktop.
Propertis, Display settings, Advanced, Graphics card, Advanced ( Again? yes..) Driver
Hit the “update driver” button, then follow the wizard through the country of dumb questions. After it finally gets off its but without notice, it tells you it’s updated and needs to reboot. Fine!
Reboot, get stuck in 640×480 at 4bit colour. That’s a wopping 16 colours to chose from. Needless to say, the display properties tab doesn’t fit on the screen at this resolution. Kudos to the developers, hope this was fixed in Vista.
Next up in the bashing. Twitter! I signed up to follow some work related news sources today, and it actually has the guts to ask me for my EMail Password!
Okay, so my browser had lost the wits and lost my login cookie to Last.FM, that happens, no big deal. And I got this cute note from them about being elegible for their beta site. Dunno how many did, maybe all, maybe not. Well, no matter.
I go there, and try to log in. It tells me, “currently only subscribers” … What? They want me to pay ~3euro to get in? On a Subscription basis?
Turns out that if you log in to the normal site, it kept my credentials, but I fear that I’ll need a new Audioscrobbler soon, since Last.FM goes the way of the paysite.
And frankly, while it’s nice, it’s not that nice.
Okay, Crappy morning due to a slight hangover after a rather unsatisfying evening out. Just one of those duds that happen, noones fault, really, and it wasn’t as if anyone was really in the mood. Finding out the club had gone severely downhill from what you remember a few years ago, and all of it just adding up to blanket the whole in a miserable feeling.
But, a new day. A hyperactive spid who wants to get Stuff Done! Well, there I am, goofing around and trying out the freshly installed Max Payne 2 in Wine, getting the thing working was a breeze, except for the intermediate audio issue I was going into, when the thing hangs. Hard.
A few moments of WTF and I reach for the magic key combo, finding it does nothing (no, not Ctrl alt delete. Alt SysRQ SUB )
And then it starts booting. And hangs.
Great. The computer is no longer recognizing my RAM. It’s stuck, Num lock not blinking. No nothing.
A long time of frustration later and I leave the computer “hung” to go check on something, and come back to a system halfway though the boot process. Some more expermineting shows that it does indeed recognize the RAM. But not very quickly. We’re talking of a 5 minute hang in BIOS, Which is something that I find unacceptable.
Some more fiddling shows the same behaviour on all memory banks, No matter how many chips are in or not. Sigh, I suspect the Mainboard, but I can’t be sure. Unplugging the chips and hooking them into a friends computer confirms it. They boot perfectly and instantly.
I get home a couple of hours later ( Cookies and Metroid is a great way to spend some annoyance ) and hook it up.
The computer boots instantly and perfectly.
ARGH!
I saw that George Carlin died a few days ago while I was away, and it was about an hour spent on youtube etc. to relive a few of his performances, and then I stumble on something today that just makes me giggle.
So, this last weekend I was in Gävle, visiting Broken Haiku and generally having a sugarloaded time of social interactivity. Well, if you call sitting around in a sofa whapping the buttons on the controller for a PS3, yelling excitedly at the flaming wreckage as molotov cocktails repeatedly get thrown into the mass of a traffic stocking on the highway, or the general groaning as the Assassin of a certain Creed does a spectacularly stupid bounce off a high tower instead of grabbing a beam to climb up onto.
In short, we were sugarloaded and spent the weekend with games of various kinds, some movies and walks outside, amongst general social interaction, aka. “hanging around” in a quite nice way.
And for that, I have now updated my Flickr stream with some more pictures, and following below here are a few of those.
Seems my grievances and bugreports are dealt with. Rawhide (Fedora 10) will support automatically merging the new sources with the network installs. Packagekit will appearantly also support some of the missing functionality, woop de hoop.
Sorry if the last post was screwy and farked your RSS readers or something. Seems WP was behaving badly and triggered mod_security and caused it to kill it. I’m waiting for an update of either WP or mod_security to fix it, until then I’ve been forced to disable it for the admin part of the blog, and can only hope that that doesn’t void the warranty ;)